Careful what you put on your head.

Rogaine is great. It gives you hair, and that's a good thing, right? Well...yes. But as with so many other great products you can buy in modern life, it pays to read the fine print, and this is definitely no exception.

In print so small my nephew probably couldn't read it without a magnifying glass, we get to the good stuff:

DO NOT USE IF:

* You are a woman.

Check. No breasts.

* You have no family history of hair loss.

Check. You could use my grandpa's head for a mirror.

* Your hair loss is sudden and/or patchy.

Check. No nuclear accidents in this area lately.

* You do not know the reason for your hair loss.

Well...I'm NOT really sure why it's going away, and I don't really care. I just want some back. I didn't know I had to be a doctor.

* You are under 18 years of age.

Check. If I'm under 18 years of age and losing my hair, I'm going to pitch in the towel and go Moby anyway, because there isn't much hope.

And it goes on in that vein for a few more items. Then it gets serious, warning me that I should ask a doctor if I have heart disease. Say what? Hair...heart...I'm not getting an important connection here, I think.

Then it warns you not to "apply to other parts of your body". Yeah, because I WANTED more hair in my armpits and nose. Good thing they warned me. A couple more warnings, and then the really juicy stuff:

STOP USE AND ASK A DOCTOR IF:

* Chest pain, rapid heartbeat, faintness or dizziness occurs.

Naw, I think I'll just go on doing whatever I was doing if that stuff happens. Sheesh.

* Sudden, unexplained weight gain occurs.

I see. It's all really just a scam some fat farm cooked up to drum up business. Has anybody checked to see whether the same company that owns Rogaine also owns Bowflex?

* Your hands or feet swell.

Unless you're blowing on your thumb, of course. At least then you know what's causing it.

* Scalp irritation or redness occurs.

That is the single symptom in the entire list that doesn't worry me too much.

* Unwanted facial hair growth occurs.

Too late. I've already spent like $3000 on razors, cream, and various lotions over the last 25 years because of that very symptom.

Look, people, maybe this whole hair loss thing isn't that bad after all. I mean, next thing they'll discover that if you use too much, your pancreas will rot and your eyeballs will deflate or something. Is it really worth it? Maybe the ball-bearing look isn't so bad after all.

But Rogaine knows something you never really thought about. Men are just as vain as women, and many of us have our vanity surgically implanted in our hair follicles. If there's something that will bring back lost hair, taking it away from a man is like taking away a junky's fix. I'm surprised they don't sell this stuff on the street corner.

"Tell you what, I'll give you the first month for free, buddy."

Maybe I have a future career as a Rogaine pusher. But I think I'll keep my day job for now.